Sunday, December 31, 2006

Why do people say "God Bless You" when someone sneezes?

Scribe: Dan654 asks "Why do people say "God Bless You" when someone sneezes?

God: GOOD QUESTION, DAN, THANKS FOR ASKING IT.

Scribe: It is a weird thing to do if you think about it. I mean, you squeeze your face up tight, loudly expel snot onto whoever is closeby, and then someone wishes you a blessing.

God: NOT WEIRD AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED. IT WOULDN'T BE TERRIBLE IF PEOPLE BLESSED EACH OTHER MORE OFTEN NO MATTER WHAT THE CAUSE.

Scribe: So this blessing when you sneeze thing WAS your idea?

God: NOPE. UNFORTUNATELY I CAN'T TAKE CREDIT FOR THAT ONE. IF YOU ASK PEOPLE IN DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE WORLD, THEY WOULD EXPLAIN IT IN DIFFERENT WAYS. ONE IS THAT DURING THE TIME OF THE BUBONIC PLAGUE, A SNEEZE WAS THOUGHT TO BE AN EARLY SIGN OF IMPENDING DEATH. PEOPLE BLESSED EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY BELIEVED THEY WERE ON THEIR WAY TO MEET ME.

Scribe: That's kinda grim.

God: IT IS. ANOTHER ONE STEMS FROM A PERIOD IN WHICH PEOPLE BELIEVED THE HEART WOULD STOP BEATING WHEN YOU SNEEZED AND BY BLESSING YOU, THEY WERE PRAYING YOUR HEART WOULD PICK UP ITS RHYTHM AGAIN.

Scribe: That's dumb.

God: NOT DUMB. JUST MISINFORMED. YOU NEED TO CUT PEOPLE A BREAK.

Scribe: Sorry.

God: A THIRD THEORY GOES THAT PEOPLE ONCED BELIEVED THAT ONE'S SOUL (IN ADDITION TO SNOT) IS EXPELLED DURING A SNEEZE AND THAT SAYING "GOD BLESS YOU" WARDED OFF SATAN UNTIL THE SOUL COULD FIND ITS WAY SAFELY BACK INTO YOUR BODY.

Scribe: Interesting.

God: TODAY, IT IS MORE JUST A POLITE THING TO SAY -- AKIN TO SAYING "YOU'RE WELCOME" WHEN SOMEONE THANKS YOU FOR SOMETHING. I WISH IT WAS A REAL BLESSING BUT SADLY IT IS JUST PART OF THE VERNACULAR.

Scribe: I noticed back there you just glossed over that mention of Satan. Are you implying he exists?

God: THAT'S ONE OF THOSE AREAS I WON'T TOUCH IN THIS INTERVIEW.

Scribe: Come on. Just one clue? A hint?

God: GOD BLESS YOU, SCRIBE.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Why do you let some creatures become extinct?

Scribe: Reed asks "Why do you let some creatures become extinct?

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, REED. A LOT OF PEOPLE WONDER THIS.

Scribe: Yeah, me too. I mean, you created all of these cool species on the planet and then you just let them die out. It's incredible to think that the Asian Elephant, the Blue Whale and the Cheetah are all endangered. My grandkids might not ever be able to see these things in zoos, only read about them in books.

God: I UNDERSTAND AND APPRECIATE THE CONCERN. BUT THINK ABOUT THE DINOSAURS. THEY WERE EXTINCT A LONG TIME AGO BUT PEOPLE STILL STUDY AND LEARN ABOUT THEM. IF ANYTHING, THEY ARE MORE "ALIVE" TODAY THAN EVER.

Scribe: To me, that's different. Dinosaurs were long gone. We never knew them. These others have shared the planet with us and now they're almost completely gone.

God: I KNOW I SOUND A BIT LIKE A BROKEN RECORD THESE DAYS BUT IT ALL COMES BACK TO THE FACT THAT ONCE I CREATE SOMETHING AND SET IT IN MOTION, I RARELY INTERCEDE. UNLIKE IN THE OLDEN DAYS WHEN I HAD NOAH BUILD THAT ARK AND THEN I FLOODED THE WORLD, THESE DAYS, I TRY TO LET THE WORLD RUN ITS OWN COURSE.

Scribe: See, the ark is a good example of something you could do. Back then you had Noah collect two of each species and load them on the ark to repopulate the world after the flood. Why don't you do something like that again?

God: FLOOD THE WORLD? TRUST ME, THAT DIDN'T TURN OUT SO WELL FOR MOST HUMANS.

Scribe: No, just create an island somewhere and plop down two of each endangered species so they could repopulate.

God: SORRY. NOT THE WAY I WORK. IF A SPECIES IS ENDANGERED OR HAS GONE EXTINCT, IT IS BECAUSE ITS ENVIRONMENT HAS CHANGED IN A WAY THAT NO LONGER SUPPORTS THAT SPECIES. IF PEOPLE WANT A SPECIES TO SURVIVE, THEY'LL TAKE STEPS TO SAVE IT. CREATE NATURAL REFUGES AND MORE NATIONAL PARKS. IF NOT, ONLY THE STRONG WILL SURVIVE.

Scribe: So once again you throw it back in our laps?

God: THEM BECOMING ENDANGERED WASN'T MY DOING.

Scribe: That's harsh.

God: YES, SOMETIMES HUMANS ARE.

Friday, December 29, 2006

What exactly does it mean when someone calls something "God forsaken"?

Scribe: Tom_A asks "What does it mean when someone calls something "God forsaken""?

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, TOM. THE SHORT ANSWER IS IT DOESN'T MEAN MUCH?

Scribe: Doesn't it mean that someone or something has pissed you off so much that you pretty much write them off? Or that you've just forgotten about them?

God: WRONG AND WRONG.

Scribe: So what gives?

God: WHAT GIVES IS ANOTHER INSTANCE OF HUMANS INVOKING MY NAME TO SUIT THEIR OWN NEEDS.

Scribe: Wait, so you're saying you never "forsake" anything?

God: NOPE. I NEVER FORGET ANY OF MY CREATIONS. I'M OMNISCIENT SO I'M AWARE OF WHAT IS IN EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING'S HEART AND MIND.

Scribe: That's pretty cool. Could I try that someday?

God: YOUR HEAD WOULD PROBABLY EXPLODE.

Scribe: Okay. I'll pass.

God: BUT THE OTHER PART OF YOUR QUESTION IS ABOUT MY GETTING SO ANNOYED AT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING THAT I WRITE THEM OFF. THE TRUTH IS THAT I CAN'T DO THAT AND I DON'T DO THAT. SURE, THERE ARE THINGS HUMANS DO THAT I WISH THEY WOULDN'T. BUT BY GIVING FREE WILL, I RECOGNIZED THAT I'D HAVE TO STEP BACK, COUNT TO TEN, AND LET HUMANS EXERCISE THAT FREE WILL AS THEY MAY. MY LOVE FOR ALL CREATIONS IS UNWAIVERING AND UNENDING. THERE IS NOTHING THAT ANYONE COULD DO TO MAKE ME "WRITE THEM OFF".

Scribe: Even if they forsake you?

God: FREE WILL. I CAN'T FAULT THEM OF EXERCISING SOMETHING I GAVE THEM.

Scribe: That's pretty cool.

God: I'M GLAD YOU APPROVE.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

How much truth is there behind all of those things were told as kids that are "God's way" of telling us we shouldn't be doing something?

Scribe: BobbieC asks "How much truth is there behind those things we are told as kids that are "God's way" of telling us we shouldn't be doing whatever we're doing?

God: THANKS FOR YOUR QUESTION, BOBBIE. IT'S ACTUALLY A VERY COMMON OCCURRENCE.

Scribe: Sure, I remember being told that tons of times. "Brain freeze is God's way of telling you you shouldn't eat your ice cream so fast." Stuff like that.

God: EXACTLY. THE TRUTH IS THAT VERY FEW OF THOSE THINGS HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH ME. PEOPLE TEND TO INVOKE MY NAME WHEN IT SERVES THEM. THIS INCLUDES TIMES WHEN THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE A POINT TO CHILDREN.

Scribe: Adults, too. The wife of a friend of mine who had high blood pressure told him just the other day that the high blood pressure was God's way of telling him he needed to watch his diet and get more exercise.

God: YES, ADULTS TOO.

Scribe: And there were plenty of times in college when my friends and I would say that throwing up and passing out was God's way of telling us we had too much to drink.

God: LOVELY. IN MOST OF THOSE INSTANCES CITED, THE THINGS BEING EXPERIENCED ARE JUST PHYSIOLOGICAL. WHILE I CREATED HUMANS, THE BRAIN FREEZE, HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND PASSING OUT HAVE LESS TO DO WITH ME AND MORE YOUR BODY'S PHYSICAL RESPONSE TO THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT BE DOING TO IT.

Scribe: Do you ever use things like that to send us messages?

God: AS I MENTIONED BEFORE, I HOLD STRICTLY TO THE CONCEPT THAT PEOPLE HAVE FREE WILL AND HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ACTIONS.

Scribe: So no "good things happen to good people" and "bad things happen to bad people"?

God: FIRST, THERE ARE PLENTY OF BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE AND GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO BAD PEOPLE. I THINK THE CONCEPT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT IS KARMA. I'LL DEAL WITH THAT SUBJECT IN MORE DETAIL LATER BUT SUFFICE TO SAY THAT THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT HAPPEN NOT AS A RESULT OF SOMETHING YOU'VE DONE BUT BECAUSE YOU'VE DONE THEM.

Scribe: Okay. Not sure I get it.

God: YOU WILL. MORE ON THAT SUBJECT ANOTHER TIME.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

What's your thinking behind colds and viruses?

Scribe: Andy543 asks “What’s your thinking behind colds and viruses? They make people (like me) pretty miserable this time of year.”

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, ANDY. SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR COLD. GET SLEEP, DRINK LOTS OF FLUIDS AND TAKE TYLENOL FOR FEVERS.

Scribe: Nice bedside manner. You should consider doing ads for Tylenol. It would be a major coup for Tylenol to have God shill their product.

God: I’M NOT SHILLING, I’M JUST SUGGESTING A REMEDY FOR ANDY’S COLD.

Scribe: Remedy? You’re God. Can’t you just waive your mighty hand and dry Andy’s snot-filled sinuses right up?

God: I COULD BUT I WON’T.

Scribe: Don’t strike me with lightening for asking this, but why don’t you? You could rid the whole world of disease.

God: COLDS AND VIRUSES, LIKE OTHER ILLNESSES, WERE NOT PART OF THE MASTER PLAN.

Scribe: Again with the master plan—

God: DO YOU WANT TO HEAR IT OR NOT?

Scribe: Yes, sorry.

God: LIKE OTHER THINGS, THEY ARE A BY-PRODUCT OF PUTTING LOTS OF ORGANISMS TOGETHER IN ONE PLACE. SOME ARE ALSO THE BY-PRODUCTS OF CERTAIN BEHAVIORS.

Scribe: Behaviors?

God: PEOPLE WHO SMOKE ARE MORE LIKELY TO GET LUNG CANCER. PEOPLE WHO WORK IN RADIATION PLANTS ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE EXPOSED. PEOPLE WHO DON’T WASH THEIR HANDS BEFORE EACH MEAL ARE MORE LIKELY TO CATCH ILLNESSES PASSED ALONG FROM OTHERS. SHALL I GO ON?

Scribe: I get it.

God: BUT MANY ORGANISMS HAVE LEARNED TO ADAPT AND SURVIVE.

Scribe: Sure, as long as you’ve got some Sudafed.

God: GO BACK 200 YEARS AND LOOK AT LIFE EXPECTANCIES. THEY WERE HALF OF WHAT THEY ARE TODAY. GO BACK 200 YEARS MORE AND THEY ARE ONE THIRD OF WHAT THEY ARE TODAY. HOW IS THAT HAPPENING?

Scribe: We’re adapting and surviving.

God: EXACTLY! PEOPLE GET SMARTER AND SMARTER ABOUT ILLNESS AND THEY ADAPT. IF WE JUMP FORWARD 200 YEARS INTO THE FUTURE, I BET PEOPLE WILL LIVE AT LEAST 50% LONGER THAN THEY DO TODAY.

Scribe: So you don’t help us because we can help ourselves?

God: YES. OVER TIME PEOPLE INVESTIGATED WHAT CAUSED ILLNESS AND DEVELOPED MEDICINE AND BETTER HYGIENE TO COMBAT THOSE THINGS. PEOPLE GOT SICK FROM BACTERIA IN THE FOOD THEY WERE EATING SO REFRIDGERATION WAS CREATED. THEY ALSO LEARNED THAT BY COOKING FOOD, THEY COULD KILL MUCH OF THE BACTERIA IN IT.

Scribe: So we’re not getting rid of colds and viruses any time soon?

God: IT’S UP TO YOU.

Scribe: Could you at least help us make some better tasting cough medicine? That stuff always tastes--

God: “GOD AWFUL”?

Scribe: I wasn’t going to say that

God: YOU THOUGHT IT.

Scribe: Sorry.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

What is the deal with the whole Garden of Eden thing?

Scribe: Pat_C asks, “What is the deal with the whole Garden of Eden thing? Was Eve really the one to succumb to temptation or is that just what every male on the planet would have us believing?"

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, PAT.

Scribe: Boy, she sounds feisty.

God: FEISTY?

Scribe: Spunky, fun, full of life. I like women like that.

God: WOULD YOU LIKE HER PHONE NUMBER?

Scribe: You have her number?

God: I HAVE EVERYONE’S NUMBER.

Scribe: Sure. What does she look like?

God: I’M NOT TELLING YOU! THIS ISN’T “G DATE” AND I’M NOT FIXING YOU UP WITH ONE OF OUR READERS. LEST YOU FORGET, YOU’RE INTERVIEWING GOD. I’D APPRECIATE A LITTLE DEFERENCE AND RESPECT.

Scribe: Darn.

God: SUCK IT UP. SHE’S MORE WOMAN THAN YOU CAN HANDLE ANYWAY.

Scribe: She's what?!?

God: MAY I ANSWER THE QUESTION?

Scribe: Might as well.

God: THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO ANSWER THIS ONE. FIRST, IF YOU’RE A DIE HARD “EVOLUTION THEORY” PERSON, THE ANSWER IS THE GARDEN OF EDEN DIDN’T EXIST. BUT IF YOU’RE A “CREATIONIST THEORY” PERSON, I CAN SHED SOME LIGHT.

Scribe: Wait, did it exist or not?

God: IT’S UP TO PEOPLE TO DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES. I WON’T TELL YOU ONE WAY OR THE OTHER, JUST EXPLAIN WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED IF THE GARDEN OF EDEN EXISTED.

Scribe: Huh? That sounds like that O.J. Simpson book where he said, “I didn’t kill my wife but here’s how I would have done it if I had”.

God: PLEASE DON’T COMPARE ME WITH O.J. HE FALLS SOMEWHERE CLOSE TO MOSQUITOES IN MY BOOK.

Scribe: I just don’t get it.

God: FOR PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN CREATIONISM, HERE’S THE SCOOP. I CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH, ETC., ETC., UNTIL I CREATED MAN AND WOMAN, WHO DWELLED IN A NIRVANA KNOWN AS THE GARDEN OF EDEN.

Scribe: I don’t mean to be a stickler but how can you “dwell” in a garden? Don’t you need walls and a roof to dwell?

God: WHAT ARE YOU, A LAWYER? IF YOU PREFER I SAY THEY RESIDED, LIVED IN OR HUNG THEIR FIG LEAVES THERE, FEEL FREE TO CHOOSE ONE OF THOSE. IN ANY CASE, CERTAIN GROUND RULES WERE SET, AND ADAM AND EVE DIDN'T FOLLOW THEM SO THEY GOT BANNED FROM EDEN.

Scribe: But it was Eve that fell to temptation, right?

God: TECHNICALLY, YES.

Scribe: Sure, women blame us men for giving in to temptation from time to time but they're really the ones to blame for original sin.

God: NOT "WOMEN", SCRIBE. JUST EVE. OF COURSE THAT'S NOT TO SAY THAT ANYONE, MALE OR FEMALE, IS ABOVE SINNING.

Scribe: I don't sin.

God: WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO LIST YOUR SINS?

Scribe: Better not, that Pat_C might be reading and I don't want her to get the wrong impression of me. Maybe she and I still have a shot?

God: DOUBTFUL.

Scribe: She's a babe, isn't she?

God: I THINK WE'RE DONE HERE.

Scribe: I knew it.

God: NEXT QUESTION.

Why are there so many different religions?

Scribe: ClaireB asks, “Is there more than one God? If not, why are there so many different religions?”

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, CLAIRE. THERE IS ONLY ONE OF ME.

Scribe: Are you sure?

God: POSITIVE.

Scribe: Then why are there so many different religions?

God: OKAY, THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT WAYS THAT PEOPLE VIEW ME. DEPENDING ON THEIR RELIGION, I COULD BE JESUS, ALLAH, BUDDHA OR JUST PLAIN OLD “GOD”. THERE ARE SO MANY NAMES BY WHICH I AM KNOWN.

Scribe: Kind of like P.Diddy.

God: I MIGHT BE KNOWN BY A FEW MORE NAMES THAN HE IS.

Scribe: Well, you’re God after all.

God: CORRECT.

Scribe: So about the number of religions?

God: HAVE YOU EVER MADE CHICKEN PARMIGIANA?

Scribe: Sure.

God: ARE YOU AWARE THAT THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF RECIPES FOR CHICKEN PARMIGIANA?

Scribe: I wasn’t.

God: HAVE YOU EVER TOLD THE JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD?

Scribe: Sure, but I’m not sure—

God: THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF WAYS TO TELL THAT JOKE.

Scribe: Chicken Parmigiana? Chicken jokes? Are we still talking about religion?

God: IF YOU ASK A DOZEN ITALIAN GRANDMOTHERS WHICH IS THE AUTHENTIC RECIPE FOR CHICKEN PARMIGIAN, EACH WILL SWEAR UP AND DOWN THAT NOT ONLY IS THEIRS IS THE “RIGHT” WAY TO DO IT, BUT THAT YOU’RE CRAZY IF YOU BELIEVE THERE IS ANOTHER WAY TO DO IT.

Scribe: So?

God: IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE THE DAYS WHEN I USED TO SHOW MYSELF ON A REGULAR BASIS. OVER THE CENTURIES, PEOPLE HAVE PASSED ALONG WHAT WAS KNOWN ABOUT ME TO THEIR DECENDANTS. IN EACH CASE, VARIATIONS OF WHAT WAS TOLD, THE REGION IN WHICH PEOPLE LIVED, THE LANGUAGES SPOKEN, THE NATURAL INFLUENCES PEOPLE’S OWN LIVES HAD ON THEIR INTERPRETATION OF WHAT WAS SEEN AND HEARD, ALL LED TO DIFFERENT VARIATIONS IN RELIGION.

Scribe: Like the recipes.

God: EXACTLY. EVEN WITHIN RELIGIONS THERE ARE CONSERVATIVE AND REFORM MOVEMENTS AND OTHER VARIATIONS. CHRISTIANITY, FOR EXAMPLE, INCLUDES ROMAN CATHOLICS, PROTESTANTS, METHODISTS, LUTHERANS AND MANY OTHER FLAVORS OF CHRISTIANITY THAT GREW FROM CULTURAL INFLUENCES.

Scribe: Cool. Got it.

God: SATISFIED?

Scribe: Sure, other than the fact that all of this talk about religion has me hankering for Italian food.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Am I going to hell because I don't follow the dietary laws of my religion?

Scribe: prom_queen asks "Am I going to hell because I don't follow the dietary laws of my religion?

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, PROM QUEEN. FIRST OFF, YOUR QUESTION ASSUMES THERE IS A HELL AND I'M NOT WILLING TO CONFIRM OR DENY THAT.

Scribe: Why not?

God: WHEN WE STARTED THIS SERIES OF INTERVIEWS, I EXPLAINED THAT THERE ARE SOME THINGS PEOPLE NEED TO BELIEVE OR NOT BELIEVE ON THEIR OWN. FAITH IS BELIEVING IN SOMETHING THAT CAN'T BE CONFIRMED. LIKE THE QUESTION WE HAD A WHILE BACK ABOUT HEAVEN, I'M NOT WILLING TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT HELL.

Scribe: I know hell exists.

God: YOU DO?

Scribe: I saved all of my Christmas shopping until this weekend. Have you been to the malls today? The crowds, the desperation, the last minute discouts. Believe me, I caught a glimpse of hell today and it ain't pretty.

God: CAN I GET BACK TO THE QUESTION?

Scribe: Be my guest. Prom Queen wants to know if she's going to be penalized for not following the dietary laws of her religion.

God: THE SHORT ANSWER IS NO.

Scribe: You're assuming that she's talking about eating milk and meat together or something like that. What if she's a cannibal and eats other people?

God: I KNOW YOU HAD A HARROWING DAY AT THE MALL BUT DON'T GET TWISTED ON ME.

Scribe: Okay, sorry.

God: I'VE HEARD PEOPLE SAY THAT WHAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT YOU PUT INTO IT. I'M INCLINED TO AGREE. WHEN JUDGMENT DAY COMES, I'M MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THE WAY YOU TREAT YOUR FELLOW HUMAN BEING THAN WHAT YOU EAT. OVER TIME, PEOPLE HAVE EATEN VIRTUALLY EVERYTHING ON THE PLANET. WHILE SOME RELIGIONS HOLD TO CERTAIN DIETARY RULES, IT'S ONLY ONE ASPECT OF THE RELIGION. AS FAR AS I KNOW, THERE'S NO RELIGION THAT IS BASED ENTIRELY ON WHAT YOU EAT.

Scribe: Maybe I should start a religion where we worship chocolate?

God: I KNOW YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT WORSHIPPING SOMETHING OTHER THAN ME. CHOCOLATE IS NICE BUT IT WON'T BRING YOUR SOUL ETERNAL PEACE.

Scribe: Good point.

God: I'M GLAD YOU SEE THINGS MY WAY.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Could you add a few more hours to the day?

Scribe: Howard_T asks, “Could you add a few more hours to the day?”

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, HOWARD. YES, I COULD BUT I WON’T.

Scribe: Don’t be so hasty. Many of us could use more hours in the day.

God: IF I DID, YOU WOULD JUST SPEND THEM PLANNING FOR TOMORROW.

Scribe: I don’t follow.

God: YOU HUMANS ARE HILARIOUS WHEN IT COMES TO TIME. WHEN YOU’RE KIDS, YOU SPEND LOTS OF TIME WISHING YOU WERE OLDER. WHEN YOU’RE OLDER, YOU WISH YOU WERE YOUNGER. IN BETWEEN, YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME PLANNING AND LIVING FOR “SOME DAY” THAT YOU DON’T LIVE IN THE PRESENT.

Scribe: Boy, have you got us nailed.

God: IF I ACTUALLY THOUGHT MORE HOURS IN THE DAY WOULD CAUSE PEOPLE TO STOP AND SMELL THE PROVERBIAL ROSES, I WOULD CONSIDER IT. BUT KNOWING YOU AS I DO, YOU WOULD JUST PACK IT WITH MORE THINGS AND STILL GO THROUGH YOUR DAYS WITHOUT EXPERIENCING THEM.

Scribe: I guess that’s why they feel like they go so fast.

God: EXACTLY. SO MY POINT IS THAT WHAT HOWARD (AND MOST OF THE REST OF YOU) NEED IS NOT MORE HOURS IN THE DAY, IT’S JUST MORE “UNSCHEDULED TIME” IN EACH DAY. THE FIRST ONE I CAN DO BUT I WON’T. THE SECOND IS ENTIRELY WITHIN EACH OF YOURS POWER AND I STRONGLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU EXERCISE IT.

Scribe: Bye.

God: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

Scribe: You convinced me. I’m going out for a walk.

God: MIND IF I TAG ALONG?

Scribe: You’re omnipresent.

God: RIGHT. LET’S GO THEN.

Friday, December 22, 2006

More Questions Please

I know it's a busy time of the year but we need more questions for the Almighty.

Our lines are open and the rates are low.

Post your question here.

Thanks.

Is the Magic 8 Ball really a tool of God?

Scribe: galaxy999 asks, “Many of us believe the “Magic 8 Ball” is a tool God uses to talk to us. Can you confirm whether this is true?”

God:

Scribe: God?

God: YES, I’M HERE. JUST SURPRISED.

Scribe: Me too. But I was afraid you’d get annoyed at me again if I criticized the question. galaxy999 should seek professional help, don’t you think?

God: GALAXY999 IS RIGHT.

Scribe: Huh?!

God: I DIDN’T REALIZE PEOPLE WERE AWARE THAT I USED THE MAGIC 8 BALL TO COMMUNICATE.

Scribe: What about using burning bushes and stuff like that?

God: TOO MANY PEOPLE LIVE IN URBAN AREAS THESE DAYS – NOT ENOUGH SHRUBERY AROUND. BESIDES, MOST PEOPLE AREN’T MENTALLY PREPARED TO GRASP THE CONCEPT OF GOD SPEAKING TO THEM. USING THE TOY, I CAN OFFER ASSISTANCE WITHOUT IT BEING AN EARTH-SHATTERING, THERAPY-SEEKING EXPERIENCE.

Scribe: I get it, but why the Magic 8 Ball?

God: I EXPERIMENTED WITH OTHER TOYS – EVEN THOUGHT I HAD IT MADE WITH TALKING DOLLS AND THE LIKE – BUT FOUND THAT THE CHOICES OF EXPRESSION WERE TOO LIMITED. WITH ONE DOLL I TRIED FOR A WHILE, MY ONLY OPTIONS WERE TO SAY “YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND” OR “LET’S PLAY A GAME”. IT WAS VERY SWEET BUT, YOU KNOW, LIMITED.

Scribe: I can see that being a problem.

God: THE MAGIC 8 BALL WAS THE PERFECT SOLUTION: PEOPLE ASK QUESTIONS INTO IT AND THERE ARE 20 POSSIBLE RESPONSES THAT ARE UNIVERSAL ENOUGH THAT I CAN GUIDE PEOPLE TO A SOLUTION.

Scribe: Makes sense.

GOD: IT’S ALSO HELPFUL THAT PEOPLE KNOW THEY CAN’T ASK OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS LIKE “WHAT SHOULD I GET MY MOTHER FOR CHRISTMAS?” THEY UNDERSTAND THE RANGE OF CHOICES GOING IN AND PHRASE THEIR QUESTIONS IN A WAY THAT DON’T REQUIRE LENGTHY RESPONSES. FOR EXAMPLE, THEY WOULD ASK “SHOULD I GET MY MOTHER A SWEATER FOR CHRISTMAS?” I CAN THEN SHOOT THEM THE “IT IS DECIDEDLY SO” RESPONSE AND THEY ARE CONTENT WITH THE ANSWER.

Scribe: So, what’s up with that “Ask again later” choice? Do you not know the answers to some questions?

God: I’M OMNIPOTENT.

Scribe: Right.

God: SOMETIMES PEOPLE AREN’T MENTALLY OR EMOTIONALLY READY TO ACCEPT THE ANSWER THEY KNOW DEEP DOWN IS THE TRUTH. IN THOSE CASES, I THROW THEM THE “ASK AGAIN LATER” RESPONSE TO GIVE THEM A BIT MORE TIME TO PONDER THEIR QUESTION ON THEIR OWN.

Scribe: Cool. I’ll bet Magic 8 Ball sales go up now that this news is out.

God: SIGNS POINT TO YES.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

How do I know if I'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing?

Scribe: Madelyn813 asks "Sometimes when I'm trying to decide what to do, I ask for your help deciding. How do I know if I'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing?"

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, MADELYN. BASED ON THE NUMBER OF REQUESTS FOR GUIDANCE THAT I RECEIVE EACH DAY, THIS IS ACTUALLY A SITUATION MANY PEOPLE WILL BE ABLE TO RELATE TO.

Scribe: I’ve done it myself.

God: THERE YOU GO. ON A DAILY BASIS, PEOPLE ARE FACED WITH DECISIONS. SOMETIMES IT’S AS SIMPLE AS WHETHER TO CHOOSE CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA ICE CREAM—

Scribe: Easy one. Always go with chocolate.

God: THANKS. BUT FREQUENTLY IT’S DIFFICULT CHOICES LIKE SHOULD I ACCEPT THIS NEW JOB? SHOULD I STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?

Scribe: Should I wear the blue tie or the red one?

God: THAT’S IN THE SIMPLE CATEGORY.

Scribe: I’m color blind.

God: SORRY, I FORGOT. FOR YOU THAT’S A DIFFICULT DECISION.

Scribe: It is.

God: IN NEARLY ALL INSTANCES, PEOPLE DON’T NEED ME TO MAKE THE DECISION.

Scribe: No?

God: IF PEOPLE THINK HARD ABOUT THE QUESTION PRESENTED, THEY CAN REACH INSIDE AND FIND THE ANSWER THEMSELVES.

Scribe: But what if we’re wrong?

God: ALTHOUGH IT’S NOT WHAT MADELYN PROBABLY WANTS TO HEAR, SOMETIMES PEOPLE DO MAKE MISTAKES. BUT THAT’S OKAY. YOU LEARN FROM MISTAKES. AND SOMETIMES THE LESSON IS MORE VALUABLE THAN HAVING CHOSEN CORRECTLY IN THE FIRST INSTANCE.

Scribe: Do you ever help?

God: SELDOMLY. PEOPLE USUALLY REACH OUT TO ME FOR HELP WHEN THEY KNOW THAT THE DECISION THEY SHOULD MAKE WILL BE DIFFICULT OR UNPOPULAR TO IMPLEMENT. SOMETIMES THE RIGHT DECISIONS ARE THE HARDEST DECISIONS. IT WOULD BE MUCH EASIER IF I TOLD EVERYONE WHAT TO DO SO THEY COULD AVOID RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR DECISIONS AND SIMPLY SAY “GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT.”

Scribe: That would be convenient.

God: SURE IT WOULD, BUT PEOPLE MUST UNDERSTAND THAT THEY NEED TO MAKE THEIR OWN BEDS AND LAY IN THEM.

Scribe: How about this, anytime you get questions about what flavor ice cream to choose, send them my way. I'll handle those for you.

God: YOU'RE A SPORT.

Scribe: Just trying to help.

Of all of the miracles you've ever performed, which is your favorite?

Scribe: LisaT818 asks, “Of all of the miracles you’ve ever performed, which was your favorite?”

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, LISA. IT ALWAYS AMAZES ME HOW FASCINATED PEOPLE ARE BY THE MIRACLES.

Scribe: Well, there IS a reason we call them miracles. We find them miraculous.

God: I APPRECIATE THAT. BUT SOME ARE NO MORE AMAZING THAN SOMETHING YOU’D SEE AT A PENN & TELLER SHOW. THEY DON’T RECEIVE GLOBAL ADORATION. I’D LIKE TO THINK I GET THAT FOR MORE THAN JUST SOME PARLOR TRICKS.

Scribe: That’s just it. Penn & Teller’s feats are merely parlor tricks. I’m thinking they’d find even jiust ONE of the Egyptian plagues more complicated than their usual tricks, let alone all 10 of them.

God: YOU’RE RIGHT. I’D LIKE TO SEE THEM TRY LOCUSTS. LOCUSTS ARE SO UNWIELDY.

Scribe: So which miracle is your favorite?

God: FIRST TELL ME YOUR FAVORITE.

Scribe: Mine? Let’s see – parting of the Red Sea, fishes and the loaves, manna in the wilderness, resurrection…it’s a tough call. I like the fact you kept Jonah alive inside the whale for 3 days. I bet that’s a fish story that gets bigger each time you tell it.

God: AND BOY, DID JONAH LIKE TO TELL IT.

Scribe: Which miracle is your favorite?

God: PROBABLY THE RED SOX WINNING THE WORLD SERIES IN 2004.

Scribe: That was you?

God: SOMETIMES IT TAKES DIVINE INTERVENTION.

Scribe: Who knew God was a baseball fan? Have you helped other teams?

God: EVER HEAR OF THE “MIRACLE METS” IN 1969?

Scribe: Whoa!

God: THOSE WERE FUN, BUT OF ALL OF MY MIRACLES, LARGE AND SMALL, THE MOST MIRACULOUS TO ME WAS THE CREATION OF LIFE.

Scribe: I guess that beats the whale thing.

God: FROM NOTHING, I CREATED ALL LIVING THINGS.

Scribe: I grant you that’s a big deal, but what about it makes it your favorite?

God: ONCE I CREATED LIVING THINGS, THEY TOOK ON LIVES AND MINDS OF THEIR OWN. THEY CONSTANTLY SURPRISE ME WITH THEIR CAPACITY FOR GOOD AND EVIL, LIGHT AND DARK.

Scribe: That is pretty amazing. Hey, any chance you can help the Cowboys this weekend?

God: THEY’LL COVER THE POINT SPREAD ON THEIR OWN.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Of all of the actors that have played God in the movies, which is your favorite?

Scribe: Marla3174 asked "Of all of the actors that have played God in the movies, which is your favorite? Which came closest to portraying the real you?"

God: VERY INTERESTING QUESTION. THERE HAVE BEEN MANY MANY PEOPLE WHO HAVE PLAYED ME IN THE MOVIES.

Scribe: I bet.

God: STARTING JUST WITH THE ONES WHO LENT THEIR VOICES, YOU'VE GOT EVERYONE FROM ED ASNER, JAMES GARNER, JOHN GIELGUD, GENE HACKMAN, CHARLTON HESTON, ROBERT MITCHUM AND MARTIN SHEEN.

Scribe: That's quite an impressive list.

God: AND THEN YOU HAD THE VOICES OF "FUNNY" GODS -- PEOPLE LIKE RODNEY DANGERFIELD, BILL COSBY, KEVIN SMITH, TREY PARKER, MATT STONE. EVEN FLIP WILSON.

Scribe: Anyone that struck you as odd?

God: BOTH ROGER MOORE AND VAL KILMER HAVE VOICED GOD CHARACTERS. AND ALANIS MORISSETTE PLAYED ME IN THAT "DOGMA" MOVIE.

Scribe: So how about your favorites?

God: IN TERMS OF ACTORS WHO ACTUALLY PLAYED A PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF ME, THERE ARE MANY ON THE TELEVISION SHOW "JOAN OF ARCADIA" THAT DID AN ADMIRABLE JOB. BUT THE MOST FAMOUS IS PROBABLY GEORGE BURNS' PORTRAYAL OF ME IN THE "OH, GOD" MOVIES. THOSE WERE CLASSICS.

Scribe: What about Jim Carrey in "Bruce Almighty"?

God: JIM CARREY PLAYED BRUCE. IN THAT MOVIE, MORGAN FREEMAN PLAYED ME. HE IS ONE COOL CHARACTER. TO ME, IT'S A TOSS-UP BETWEEN GEORGE BURNS AND MORGAN FREEMAN AS TO WHICH ONE WAS MY FAVORITE PORTRAYAL OF ME.

Scribe: Which of them came closest to the real you?

God: NEITHER. I'M TOUGH FOR ANY ACTOR TO PORTRAY.

Scribe: Tom Hanks could probably do it.

God: I DON'T THINK SO BUT I'D LOVE TO WATCH HIM TRY.

Scribe: I'll call his agent.

God: YOU DO THAT.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Why did you invent the mosquito?

Scribe: God, Alexander asks "Why did you invent the mosquito?"

God: LET'S TAKE THE NEXT QUESTION.

Scribe: Why?

God: THE MOSQUITO IS A SORE SUBJECT FOR ME. NEXT QUESTION.

Scribe: This oughta be good.

God: FINE, IF WE MUST DO THIS, LET'S GET IT OVER WITH. REMEMBER HOW I TOLD YOU THAT SOME THINGS WERE NOT PART OF THE MASTER PLAN.

Scribe: Sure, I think you mentioned that in the context of our discussion on gravity and flying.

God: EXACTLY. WELL, MOSQUITOES WERE NOT PART OF THE MASTER PLAN.

Scribe: But you did invent them?

God: YES, YES, MEA CULPA. IN EACH SPECIES, I EXPERIMENTED WITH BIG SPECIMENS, SMALL SPECIMENS, ETC. IT'S WHY YOU HAVE MAMMALS AS LARGE AS THE WHALE AND AS SMALL AS THE MOLE RAT. EXPERIMENTATION. I FIGURE YOU CREATE ALL KINDS AND LET THE FITTEST SURVIVE.

Scribe: Wait, survival of the fittest. Wasn't that Darwin's?

God: WHO DO YOU THINK WHISPERED IT IN HIS EAR?

Scribe: Oh.

God: SO WHEN IT CAME TO INSECTS, I TRIED EVERY SIZE AND TYPE I COULD THINK OF: BUTTERFLIES AND BUMBLE BEES, WORMS AND BANANA SLUGS, BEETLES AND GRASSHOPPERS. THE INSECT POPULATION IS IMMENSELY VARIED, JUST LIKE THE MAMMALS, JUST LIKE THE FISH.

Scribe: OK.

God: BUT I NEVER EXPECTED ONE CREATURE TO BE SO UNIVERSALLY REVILED BY ALL OTHER CREATURES. THE MOSQUITO WAS A MISTAKE. IT HAS NO FRIENDS AND IS HATED BY ALL. ITS ONLY SAVING GRACE IS THAT SOME VARIETIES OF INSECTS FEED ON IT.

Scribe: But if you are embarrassed by them and agree they were a mistake, why don't you wave your hand (or whatever it is when you do miracles) and smite the entire mosquito population?

God: ONCE I CREATE, I TEND NOT TO PRESS THE REWIND BUTTON. WE TALKED ABOUT NATURAL SELECTION EARLIER. THAT'S A PROCESS BY WHICH SOME SPECIES TEND TO BECOME EXTINCT OVER TIME SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY CAN'T CUT IT IN THE WORLD AS IT HAS EVOLVED. MAYBE ONE DAY THE MOSQUITO'S WILL BECOME EXTINCT. IN THE MEANWHILE, THEY JUST SERVE AS A SOURCE OF EMBARRASSMENT. KIND OF LIKE THE BAD HAIRCUT YOU HAD IN YOUR HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK.

Scribe: You've seen that? I thought I had succeeded in hunting down every last copy of the yearbook.

God: I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING.

Scribe: Right. How about I agree not to bring up mosquitoes in our interview and you agree never to mention that haircut?

God: DEAL.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

My parents raised me as both Jewish and Catholic. Is that "kosher" in your book?

Scribe: God, StephenZ writes "My parents raised me as both Jewish and Catholic. Is that "kosher" in your book?"

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, STEPHEN. I DON'T KNOW IF IT QUALIFIES AS "KOSHER" IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE DIETARY LAWS BUT RAISING YOU WITH BOTH RELIGIONS IS CERTAINLY ACCEPTABLE.

Scribe: Does that mean he celebrates both Hanukah and Christmas? Man, he must be drowning in gifts this time of year.

God: THAT'S GENERALLY THE WAY IT WORKS WHEN YOU FOLLOW BOTH RELIGIONS.

Scribe: Sounds like a great incentive to be bi-religious.

God: I CAN'T IMAGINE THEY DID IT FOR THE GIFTS.

Scribe: I would. In fact I'm thinking very strongly about it.

God: THAT'S KIND OF SHALLOW, NO?

Scribe: I'm not proud.

God: APPARENTLY.

Scribe: And both religions believe in you, right?

God: YES, FROM THAT PERSPECTIVE, BOTH JUDAISM AND CATHOLICISM START WITH THE OLD TESTAMENT AND THE BELIEF IN ONLY ONE GOD, ME. THAT IS PROBABLY THE COMMON GROUND THAT SERVES AS THE FOUNDATION FOR HOW STEPHENZ WAS RAISED.

Scribe: So by believing in you, I'm actually already practicing both religions, right?

God: IN A SENSE.

Scribe: Then bring on the gifts.

God: IT'S MOMENTS LIKE THESE THAT MAKE ME QUESTION MY DECISION TO MAKE YOU MY SCRIBE.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Is there life on other planets?

Scribe: Phillip asks, “Is there life on other planets?”

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, PHILLIP. THE ANSWER IS YES.

Scribe: Really?! Cool! Which one?

God: HOW MANY PLANETS ARE THERE?

Scribe: Nine. No wait, they knocked out Pluto. So, eight. But didn’t they just discover something else they were calling a planet?

God: YOUR ANSWER?

Scribe: I’ll go with eight.

God: ACTUALLY, THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF PLANETS. AND THERE IS LIFE ON MOST OF THEM.

Scribe: No kidding?

God: NO KIDDING. I FIND IT HUMOROUS THAT HUMANS ARE SO ARROGANT THAT THEY HAVE TROUBLES BELIEVING THERE CAN BE LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS.

Scribe: We’ve sent out astronauts, probes, space stations. Nothing has sent back the slightest proof of life out there.

God: WHO AM I?

Scribe: God.

God: WHERE’S THE PROOF THAT I EXIST?

Scribe: Well that lack of proof is why many folks don’t believe in you.

God: MANY MORE BELIEVE IN ME THAN DON’T.

Scribe: I suppose that’s true. But with other life forms, we haven’t seen any signs of buildings, industry, television…

God: AGAIN, THE ARROGANCE. I BLAME MYSELF.

Scribe: Stop calling us arrogant.

God: EVEN IF THERE WERE ONLY EIGHT PLANETS AS YOU SUGGEST, IT IS VERY ARROGANT TO BELIEVE THAT ONLY EARTH HOLDS LIFE. AND YOUR PROOF OF THIS THEORY IS THE LACK OF ANY SIGN OF DEVELOPMENT THAT IS FAMILIAR TO HUMANS. HOW CAN ANY SPECIES EXIST WITHOUT BUILDINGS? AUTOMOBILES? OPRAH? WHEN YOU SWIM IN THE OCEAN, DO YOU LOOK FOR FISH BUILDINGS AND FISH CARS?

Scribe: Well, no.

God: OF COURSE NOT. THE ENVIRONMENT AND THE SPECIES DOES NOT SUPPORT THOSE TYPES OF THINGS. YET YOU DIVE INTO THE BLACKNESS OF SPACE EXPECTING TO FIND SIGNS OF THINGS THAT DON’T EVEN EXIST ON MOST OF YOUR OWN PLANET.

Scribe: Good point.

God: OTHER FORMS OF LIFE ARE OUT THERE. MANY MORE ADVANCED AND SOPHISTICATED THAN HUMANS.

Scribe: Cool. Can you tell me about them?

God: IF HUMANS LOOK WITH AN OPEN MIND, THEY WILL FIND THE PROOF THEY SEEK.

Scribe: One thing I just gotta know -- are Martians really green?

God: YOU DIDN’T REALLY JUST ASK ME THAT?

Scribe: Kidding.

God: NICE TRY.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Does God collect royalties from religious movies like "The Passion of the Christ" and "The Nativity Story"?

Scribe: Pooks asks “Do you get royalties from movies like “The Passion of the Christ” and “The Nativity Story”? Do the studios tithe?”

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTIONS, POOKS. YOU MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED IN THE CREDITS FOR THESE FILMS BUT I ACTUALLY GET EXECUTIVE PRODUCER BILLING AND MY OWN TRAILER ON THE SET.

Scribe: Right.

God: OK, I’M JUST KIDDING. I DON’T RECEIVE ANY ROYALTIES FROM RELIGIOUS MOVIES.

Scribe: What a rip. You should talk to a lawyer.

God: STORIES ABOUT ME ARE QUNITESSENTIALLY IN THE “PUBLIC DOMAIN”. THEY’RE WIDELY PASSED DOWN FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION. PEOPLE ARE FREE TO BELIEVE WHAT THEY WANT AND TO SHARE THE STORIES WITH OTHERS. IF THEY CHOOSE TO SHARE IT BY FILM, I’M FINE WITH THAT.

Scribe: Think about the international box office. Fast food tie-ins. The action figures. The t-shirts. I can just see it now: “Body by God”. You’re leaving a lot of money on the table.

God: AND WHAT WOULD I DO WITH THE MONEY?

Scribe: Wow, you don’t need to buy anything, do you?

God: NO. I DON’T EVEN HAVE ANY POCKETS TO PUT MONEY IN.

Scribe: I could hold it for you…for a small commission of course.

God: ARE WE DONE HERE?

Scribe: What about the last question – “Do the studios tithe?” That last word must be a typo. I never heard of it.

God: THE SPELLING IS CORRECT. "TITHE" TRANSLATED FROM OLD ENGLISH MEANS "TENTH". ONE-TENTH OF AN AMOUNT WAS GENERALLY PAID AS A VOLUNTARY TAX OR LEVY TO HELP SUPPORT RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATIONS.

Scribe: Got it.

God: I DON'T REQUIRE TITHING FROM THE STUDIOS FOR MAKING FILMS ABOUT MY STORIES. AND AS MUCH AS IT MIGHT SURPRISE YOU, THE STUDIOS AREN'T KNOCKING THEMSELVES OFFERING TO TITHE EITHER.

Scribe: Shocking!

God: NOT REALLY.

Scribe: That was sarcasm.

God: I INVENTED SARCASM.

Scribe: Right. I keep forgetting.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Is God a man or a woman?

Scribe: Heya, Goddie-boy.

God: GODDIE-BOY?

Scribe: It’s a term of afflect…aflle…affection.

God: YOU’RE DRUNK.

Scribe: No, I’m not.

God: NOW YOU’RE LYING. TO GOD.

Scribe: Okay, you got me. But I’m jus a little tipsy.

God: WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW YOUR BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL?

Scribe: I’m drunk, alright? Happy? I had my company holiday party tonight and the spirits were a-flowing, if you know what I mean.

God: I DO. DO YOU WANT TO SLEEP THIS OFF?

Scribe: No, I’m good. I’m good. To. Go.

God: JUST TRY NOT TO HURT YOURSELF.

Scribe: g_grrl asks "Are you a man or a woman?"

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, G_GRRL-- .

Scribe: That’s one dumb-ass question.

God: SCRIBE!

Scribe: What? You don’t think that’s a dumb-ass question?

God: NO I DON’T. PLEASE APOLOGIZE TO G_GRRL RIGHT NOW!

Scribe: She asks the dumb-ass question and I have to apologize?!

God: I WILL TURN YOU TO SALT IF YOU DON’T.

Scribe: I’m sorry, g_grrl.

God: I ALSO APOLOGIZE ON SCRIBE’S BEHALF. ONE DOESN'T NEED TO BE OMNIPOTENT TO KNOW THAT THE ONLY DUMB QUESTIONS ARE THE ONES THAT AREN'T ASKED. NOW AS FOR YOUR QUESTION, I AM NEITHER MAN NOR WOMAN.

Scribe: You're a hermaphrodite?

God: NO, SCRIBE. A HERMAPHRODITE IS AN ORGANISM THAT POSSESS BOTH MALE AND FEMALE SEX ORGANS. I HAVE NEITHER. I AM NEITHER.

Scribe: No sex organs?

God: I HAVE NO BODY. YOU SEE, G_GRRL, BECAUSE I CREATED EVERYTHING, MANY PEOPLE REFER TO ME AS THE "FATHER" AND THUS, CONSIDER ME MALE. BUT I'M NOT OF A SINGLE GENDER. I SIMPLY AM WHAT I AM. THE CREATOR OF THE HEAVENS AND EARTH.

Scribe: I love you, man.

God: I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LIE DOWN.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

What does God eat?

Scribe: God, Brian_H asks “Do you eat? What's your favorite food?”

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION. THE SHORT ANSWER IS THAT I DON’T EAT.

Scribe: You don’t? Oh man, you don’t know what you’re missing. Steak, sushi, pizza, ice cream--

God: OK. DOWN BOY.

Scribe: Chocolate!! Holy crap, you’ve never tried chocolate?!

God: I’VE NEVER EATEN CHOCOLATE. AND CRAP IS NOT HOLY.

Scribe: No chocolate. It just boggles the mind.

God: WHILE I DON’T EAT IN THE SENSE THAT YOU AND BRIAN_H DO, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT I CONSUME EVERYTHING.

Scribe: You consume everything but don’t eat? That sounds like one of those “What Am I?” riddles. You know: I have eyes but don’t see. What am I? A potato.

God: I’M NOT A POTATO.

Scribe: That’s not what I meant. Can you explain that “consume everything” concept?

God: I DON’T EAT FOOD BUT I CONSUME IT IN THE SENSE THAT I “EXPERIENCE” IT.

Scribe: Sounds like a theme park ride – “Chocolate: The Experience”.

God: I EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING – EVERY SPOKEN WORD, EVERY EMOTION FELT, EVERY THOUGHT CONCEIVED. SO WHILE CHOCOLATE HAS NEVER CROSSED MY LIPS, I’VE EXPERIENCED THE EXHILARATION IT BRINGS TO THOSE WHO EAT IT.

Scribe: You have lips?

God: IT’S A FIGURE OF SPEECH.

Scribe: I knew that.

Questioning God

Scribe: Ok, folks. You've got the chance of a lifetime -- to ask questions to God.

Isn't there anything you've ever wondered about but never knew the answer? Why ducks quack? Why the wind blows? Where that scarf you lost on the train ever ended up?

Now's your chance. Don't be shy. Fire away and I'll ask your questions to the Big Guy.

Simply add you question as a comment to this post and I'll make sure it finds its way into the queue.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Why don't you show yourself?

Scribe: God, MichaelF309 asks “Why don't you show yourself? Does Scribe see you when he interviews you?”

God: DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER THE SECOND ONE, FIRST?

Scribe: Sure. When I ask questions, a huge burning bush appears, one time it singed my curtains. And then a massive booming voice--

God: SCRIBE?

Scribe: --makes the whole room shake, and—

God: SCRIBE?

Scribe: Oh. You want to play it straight?

God: PLEASE JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION.

Scribe: Sorry. I don’t see anything.

God: A BIT OF ELABORATION?

Scribe: I read a question aloud and then type it. When I stop typing, I’ve got both the question I wrote and God’s answer. It’s quite mysterious.

God: I PREFER THE TERM “MIRACULOUS”.

Scribe: Oh, yeah. It’s miraculous.

God: WHY DON'T I SHOW MYSELF? BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE ME TO BELIEVE IN ME. NOW AS FOR WHAT I LOOK LIKE, MICHAEL, I ACTUALLY LOOK A LOT LIKE YOU EXCEPT A BIT TALLER AND I PART MY HAIR ON THE OTHER SIDE.

Scribe: I thought you were going to play it straight.

God: YOU’RE RIGHT. FORGOT MYSELF FOR A MOMENT. I’VE HEARD IT SAID THAT “GOD CREATED HUMANKIND IN HIS OWN IMAGE.” THAT’S NOT FAR FROM THE TRUTH. THERE’S A LITTLE BIT OF ME IN EVERY ONE OF YOU. AND NOT JUST MAN. EVERYTHING YOU SEE. IN EVERY ANIMAL, INSECT, PLANT, THE WIND, THERE IS SOME OF ME.

Scribe: You’re huge.

God: I’M GOD.

Scribe: Right. So no burning bushes?

God: YOUR CURTAINS ARE SAFE.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

How do You feel about the commercialization of Your holidays? Do you think we've lost the true meaning?

Scribe: God, Lisa asks "How do You feel about the commercialization of Your holidays (ie. Christmas, Easter)? Do You think we've lost the true meaning?"

God: JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS. JINGLE ALL THE WAY...

Scribe: Great, more singing.

God: GOD SINGS TO YOU AND YOU'RE COMPLAINING?

Scribe: Sorry, God. Sing away.

God: I'M NOT IN THE MOOD ANYMORE.

Scribe: Bummer. So how about that question?

God: MY ANSWER IS COMPLICATED.

Scribe: Big surprise.

God: I TRY TO FIND THE POSITIVE IN MOST THINGS SO SUCH COMMERCIALIZATION DOESN'T BOTHER ME MUCH. HOWEVER, WHEN SOMEONE CARES MORE ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS OR HANUKAH, FOR EXAMPLE, THAN THE SENTIMENT THAT WENT INTO THE GIFT-GIVING, THAT GIVES ME PAUSE.

Scribe: But gifts are so much fun.

God: SURE THEY ARE. AND THE COMMERCIALIZATION OF HOLIDAYS SOMETIMES MAKES PEOPLE THINK ABOUT PEOPLE THEY MIGHT NOT OTHERWISE THINK ABOUT THIS TIME OF YEAR.

Scribe: Not sure I follow you.

God: IF A HOLIDAY WERE PURELY RELIGIOUS, YOU WOULD GO TO CHURCH, TEMPLE A MOSQUE OR WHATEVER YOUR PRAYING PLACE OF CHOICE WAS AND POSSIBLY REFLECT ON WHAT THE HOLIDAY MEANS TO YOU. THE CUSTOM OF GIFT-GIVING MAKES PEOPLE LOOK OUTSIDE OF THEMSELVES AND CONSIDER WHICH PEOPLE IN THEIR LIVES ARE DESERVING OF BEING REMEMBER WITH A GIFT OR A TOKEN OF APPRECIATION AT THE END OF THE YEAR.

Scribe: Ahh.

God: MOST HOLIDAYS ARE AT THEIR MOST BASIC ABOUT CELEBRATING LIFE AND BEING THE BEST PERSON YOU CAN BE. WHEN YOU THINK OF OTHERS BESIDES YOURSELF, I'M PLEASED AT THE OUTCOME. SO IF COMMERCIALIZATION GETS YOU THERE, I'M ALL FOR IT.

Scribe: And as for the part about losing the meaning?

God: THOSE FOR WHOM THE MEANING WILL HOLD SIGNIFICANCE RECALL THE MEANING EACH TIME THE HOLIDAY ROLLS AROUND. FOR MANY, NO MATTER WHAT IS SAID OR DONE, THE TRUE MEANING OF A GIVEN HOLIDAY WOULDN'T EVEN SHOW UP ON THEIR RADAR. IF COMMERCIALIZATION BRINGS THEM TO A PLACE OF SHARING KINDNESS AND GOODWILL TOWARD ANOTHER PERSON, I THINK THE MEANING IS STILL THERE, JUST VIEWED THROUGH A FILTER.

Scribe: Are you getting me something for the holidays?

God: I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU ENOUGH?

Scribe: I see your point. Just asking.

God: HOW ABOUT IF I TRY FOR A LITTLE SNOW WHERE YOU LIVE?

Scribe: You the man!

Friday, December 08, 2006

Does it bother you when people take your name in vain?

Scribe: God, Julie asks “Does it bother you when people take your name in vain?”

God: SURE IT DOES. WOULDN’T IT BOTHER YOU?

Scribe: I guess.

God: “SCRIBE DAMMIT!” “SCRIBE DAMN!”

Scribe: Sounds kinda funny.

God: YOU’RE MISSING THE POINT. ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT IT’S DISRESPECTFUL, I ACTUALLY PAY ATTENTION EVERYTIME I HEAR MY NAME. THINK ABOUT IT. IMAGINE ALL THE TIMES EVERYDAY WHEN SOMEONE IN THE WORLD SAYS “GOD”. GOD DAMN. GOD FORSAKEN. GOD DAMMIT. GOD HELP ME. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.

Scribe: I see what you mean.

God: MY NAME HAS BECOME SO MUCH A PART OF THE VERNACULAR THAT PEOPLE FREQUENTLY UTTER IT WHEN THEY’RE NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT ME. I’VE GOT TO PARSE THROUGH ALL OF THOSE CALLS AND FIGURE OUT WHICH PEOPLE ARE REALLY TRYING TO GET MY ATTENTION. AND THAT’S JUST WHEN PEOPLE USE “GOD”. I’M KNOWN BY A LOT OF OTHER NAMES THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE.

Scribe: Sounds rough.

God: IT IS WHAT IT IS. I’M ANSWERING THE QUESTION MORE THAN REALLY COMPLAINING. BEING GOD, I’VE LEARNED TO TAKE THE BAD WITH THE GOOD.

Scribe: The good?

God: WHILE LOTS OF PEOPLE TAKE MY NAME IN VAIN OR CURSE IT, MANY MORE SING IT. GOD BLESS YOU. GO WITH GOD. THANK GOD. PRAISE GOD. AND THAT’S NOT EVEN COUNTING FORMAL PRAYER. I AM EXULTED BY SOMEONE SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD VIRTUALLY EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.

Scribe: Wow! And people thought Elvis was popular.

God: HE WAS.

Scribe: And didn’t John Lennon once say the Beatles were more popular than Jesus?

God: HE DID. TOOK A LOT OF HEAT FOR IT, TOO, POOR GUY. HE JUST MEANT IT AS HYPERBOLE.

Scribe: I’m sure you’re right.

God: I AM.

Scribe: Still, I bet that your fan club is bigger.

God: PROBABLY A SAFE BET.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Is there really a heaven?

Scribe: God, danaG asks “Is there really a heaven?”

God: HEAVEN, I’M IN HEAVEN. AND MY HEART BEATS SO THAT I CAN HARDLY SPEAK—

Scribe: God sings?

God: WHERE DO YOU THINK MUSIC CAME FROM?

Scribe: Right. So what about heaven?

God: WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Scribe: I’ll go with “yes”.

God: WHEN I AGREED TO BE INTERVIEWED, I KNEW SOME PEOPLE MIGHT TAKE IT AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF SOME OF THE BASIC MYSTERIES OF FAITH. LIFE AND DEATH, HEAVEN AND HELL -- THOSE KIND OF THINGS. SINCE FAITH IS BASED ON NOT REALLY KNOWING SOME THINGS FOR SURE, QUESTIONS LIKE THIS ONE PUTS ME IN A PICKLE. DO I TELL OR NOT?

Scribe: Well we don’t want to put you on the spot—

God: GOOD. LET’S PUT YOU ON THE SPOT INSTEAD.

Scribe: Me?

God: SURE. WHY NOT?

Scribe: I don’t know much about religious stuff. I thought you picked me as scribe because I take great dictation.

God: WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

Scribe: Um, OK. I’ll give it a shot.

God: SCRIBE, DANAG ASKS, “IS THERE REALLY A HEAVEN?”

Scribe: Like I said before, I’m going with “yes” on this one.

God: IS IT A PLACE?

Scribe: Probably not. I’d say it’s more of a state of mind.

God: CAN YOU ELABORATE?

Scribe: I don’t know. A mental state. A higher consciousness. Where you’re totally at peace.

God: NICE ANSWER.

Scribe: I was right?

God: I’M NOT SAYING.

Scribe: Was I warm?

God: SCRIBE!

Scribe: I must’ve been warm.

God: NOT TELLING.

Scribe: Darn.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Why are some people so mean?

Scribe: God, vamom7678 asks “Why are people so mean?”

God: THIS IS A GREAT QUESTION. I’M GLAD YOU ASKED IT.

Scribe: Thanks.

God: NOT YOU, SCRIBE. I MEANT VAMOM7678.

Scribe: Right.

God: I LOOK AT THE WAY PEOPLE TREAT EACH OTHER AND MARVEL AT HOW CALLOUS AND HURTFUL THEY CAN BE SOMETIMES. THE REASON? I THINK IT BOILS DOWN TO INSECURITY.

Scribe: What do you mean?

God: FOR SOME REASON, WHEN PEOPLE FEEL INSECURE OR DISSATISFIED WITH THEIR LIVES OR WITH SPECIFIC ABILITIES, THEY ACT MEAN TO SOMEONE ELSE. IT’S ALMOST LIKE THEY SAY, “I’M DOWN IN THE DUMPS SO I MIGHT AS WELL BRING SOMEONE DOWN WITH ME SO I HAVE COMPANY”. EXCEPT IT’S EVEN WORSE THAN THAT. INSTEAD OF MERELY LOOKING FOR COMPANY, PEOPLE ACTUALLY TRY TO MAKE OTHERS FEEL WORSE THAN THEY FEEL THEMSELVES. IT’S LIKE THEY SAY “I’M DOWN IN THE DUMPS BUT I DON’T FEEL NEARLY AS BAD AS I MADE THAT GUY FEEL.” IN A PERVERSE WAY, THEY ACTUALLY MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER BY MAKING SOMEONE ELSE FEEL WORSE.

Scribe: That’s terrible.

God: I KNOW. I’VE GIVEN PEOPLE THE CAPACITY FOR SO MUCH KINDNESS AND COMPASSION. WHEN I SEE PEOPLE EXHIBIT DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR LIKE THIS, IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I’VE FAILED.

Scribe: Don’t you think you’re being too hard on yourself?

God: THEY HAVE FAILED ME, AND AS THEIR CREATOR, I FEEL AS IF I’VE FAILED THEM. I TRY TO TAKE SOLACE IN THE FACT THAT IN INSTILLING PEOPLE WITH FREE WILL, I’VE GIVEN THEM THE ABILITY TO CHOOSE THEIR OWN PATH, AND NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN, THEY MAKE CHOICES THEY (AND I) CAN BE PROUD OF.

Scribe: Still, it definitely hurts when someone is mean to you.

God: OF COURSE IT DOES. YOU JUST NEED TO REMEMBER THAT WHEN SOMEONE IS MEAN TO YOU, IT IS MORE ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS THAN YOUR OWN. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. AND INSTEAD OF LETTING IT LEAD YOU DOWN THE PATH OF FURTHER DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR (LIKE ROAD RAGE OR KICKING THE DOG), LET IT BE A MODEL OF HOW YOU DON’T WANT TO BE. CHOOSE THE OTHER PATH.

Scribe: I will.

God: I MEANT EVERYONE, SCRIBE, BUT I’M GLAD YOU’RE ON BOARD.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Why did you make trees and grass green?

Scribe: God, anntoney asks "Why did you make trees and grass green?".

God: IT'S CALLED PHOTOSYNTHESIS.

Scribe: Huh?

God: IT'S THE PROCESS BY WHICH PLANTS CONVERT CARBON DIOXIDE AND SUNLIGHT--

Scribe: Hold up. The question asks you why you chose the color green for so many things in nature. You're giving us a 4th grade science book answer.

God: AS I WAS SAYING, PHOTOSYNTHESIS IS THE PROCESS BY WHICH--

Scribe: Wait. You could have made the trees red, the oceans yellow, a bluebird pink. The whole universe was your canvas. You made everything the way it is. Of all of the colors in the rainbow and that exist in the universe, you chose green. Are you going to tell us it's just because of a chemical reaction.

God: YOU WANT THE TRUTH?

Scribe: Yes, please.

God: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! (SORRY, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT EVER SINCE NICHOLSON SAID IT IN THAT TOM CRUISE MOVIE).

Scribe: The truth?

God: I LIKE GREEN.

Scribe: You like green?

God: IT'S MY FAVORITE COLOR.

Scribe: You heard it here first, folks. God's favorite color is green.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Does it bother you that lots of people don't believe in you?

Scribe: God, see_more asks “Does it bother you that lots of people don't believe in you?”

God: OF COURSE NOT.

Scribe: It doesn’t?

God: MANY PEOPLE FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THEY CAN’T SEE WITH THEIR OWN EYES. OTHER THAN SOME ACTOR PLAYING ME IN THE MOVIES, THEY’VE NEVER SEEN ME.

Scribe: Good point.

God: DO YOU BELIEVE IN REGIS PHILBIN?

Scribe: Huh?

God: ANSWER THE QUESTION.

Scribe: Of course. He and Kelly are on every day.

God: ON TELEVISION?

Scribe: Yes.

God: HAVE YOU EVER MET HIM IN PERSON?

Scribe: No.

God: HOW DO YOU KNOW THE PERSON YOU WATCH ON TV ISN’T JUST SOME ACTOR PLAYING REGIS PHILBIN?

Scribe: Well, um – I guess you have a point.

God: MANY PEOPLE ARE RESERVING JUDGMENT, HOLDING OUT UNTIL THEY WITNESS A MIRACLE.

Scribe: That would make it easier.

God: YOU WANT MIRACLES? WATCH THE SUN RISE OR THE SNOW FALL. LISTEN TO A CHILD LAUGH.

Scribe: Those aren’t really miracles.

God: WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY CAME FROM?

Scribe: Ahh. All roads lead back to you.

God: PRECISELY. BUT MIRACLES AREN’T NECESSARY. JUST THE OPPOSITE. FAITH IS ABOUT BELIEVING IN SOMETHING YOU CAN’T SEE OR PROVE. IT IS ABOUT KNOWING IN YOUR HEART THAT SOMETHING EXISTS DESPITE LACK OF ANY PROOF.

Scribe: Not even a small miracle?

God: SCRIBE!

Scribe: Sorry.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Can You Tell Me If I'll Get A New Job in 2007?

Scribe: God, Ron999 asks "Can you tell me if I'm going to get a better job in 2007?"

God: I CAN'T.

Scribe: Huh?

God: I CAN'T TELL RON FOR SURE WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IN 2007.

Scribe: You can't?

God: REMEMBER, YOU ALL HAVE FREE WILL. I COULD CREATE THE BEST OF CIRCUMSTANCES FOR RON TO GET HIS DREAM JOB BUT IF RON DECIDES TO SHOW UP FOR THE INTERVIEW IN FLANNEL PAJAMAS, MY GUESS IS HE WON'T GET THE JOB.

Scribe: Maybe his dream job is as a pajama model.

God: IT'S NOT.

Scribe: Oh.

God: IT IS WORTH NOTING THAT IF RON HAS EDUCATION, EXPERIENCE AND PERSEVERANCE (AND I CAN ATTEST TO THE FACT THAT HE HAS THE FIRST TWO), WHEN THE RIGHT OPPORTUNITY ARISES, ODDS ARE IN HIS FAVOR HE'LL GET THAT JOB.

Scribe: As long as he skips the pajamas.

God: EXACTLY.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Birds Can Fly. Why Can't We?

Scribe: God, sanderific asks "Birds can fly, why can't we?"

God: SURE YOU CAN FLY. DELTA'S GOT GREAT RATES NOW THROUGH THE END OF THE YEAR.

Scribe: I don't think that's--

God: I WAS KIDDING.

Scribe: God's got a sense of humor?

God: HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A PLATYPUS?

Scribe: Right.

God: WHY STOP AT QUESTIONING FLIGHT? DOESN'T HE ALSO WANT TO KNOW WHY HE CAN'T CURL HIS TONGUE? CAN'T HOLD HIS BREATH UNDERWATER? CAN'T RUB HIS BELLY AND PAT HIS HEAD AT THE SAME TIME?

Scribe: I don't know.

God: MY POINT IS THAT ALL CREATURES HAVE A SET OF ABILITIES UNIQUELY THEIR OWN. YOUR SET IS WHAT MAKES YOU YOU. BIRDS GOT FLIGHT BUT LACK MANY OF THE THINGS HUMANS HAVE. AS A SIDE NOTE, I'LL ADMIT THAT I DIDN'T ORIGINALLY PLAN ON GRAVITY.

Scribe: It wasn't part of your "Master Plan"?

God: NOPE. IT WAS A BY PRODUCT OF CREATING THE PLANETS AS LARGE AS I DID. AN UNINTENTIONAL SIDE EFFECT. KIND OF LIKE THOSE GUYS WHO DISCOVERED THE GLUE FOR POST-IT NOTES WHILE TRYING TO DEVELOP A SUPER GLUE.

Scribe: You're likening gravity to Post-It Notes?

Friday, December 01, 2006

Why are Dogs better than Cats?

Scribe: God, Pooks asked "Why did you make dogs superior to cats in every defineable way?"

God: AH, THE CAT AND DOG DEBATE. I'VE HEARD PEOPLE SAY THAT MEN ARE DOGS AND WOMEN ARE CATS. I'VE ALSO HEARD PEOPLE SAY DOGS THINK THEY'RE PEOPLE AND THAT CATS THINK THEY'RE GOD. HERE'S A NEWSFLASH, CATS DON'T REALLY THINK THAT.

Scribe: You know what cats think?

God: I KNOW WHAT EVERYONE THINKS.

Scribe: Right. So cats don't really think they're you?

God: THERE ARE A FEW MEGALOMANIACAL CATS RUNNING AROUND, BUT FOR THE MOST PART THEY DON'T.

Scribe: So as to the question...

God: CLEARLY, POOKS HAS A STRONG POINT OF VIEW ON THE SUBJECT. SHE'S A DOG LOVER. MANY SHARE HER VIEW. HOWEVER, I COULD EASILY SUPPLY A LIST OF FOLKS WHO FEEL EQUALLY THE OTHER WAY.

IN ANCIENT EGYPT, CATS WERE REVERED AND SACRED. EVEN TODAY, MANY MUSLIMS BELIEVE DOGS ARE IMPURE. WHETHER FOR IDEOLOGICAL REASONS OR SIMPLY BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE PREFER ANIMALS THAT ARE MORE OR LESS INDEPENDENT. PEOPLE TEND TO FALL IN ONE CAMP OR THE OTHER.

Scribe: Which do you prefer?

God: THAT'S LIKE ASKING ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THE SUN AND THE MOON, BETWEEN WATER AND AIR, BETWEEN PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.

Scribe: You eat peanut butter and jelly?

God: NEXT QUESTION.

Questions

Post your questions to the big guy here.