Wednesday, December 27, 2006

What's your thinking behind colds and viruses?

Scribe: Andy543 asks “What’s your thinking behind colds and viruses? They make people (like me) pretty miserable this time of year.”

God: THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, ANDY. SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR COLD. GET SLEEP, DRINK LOTS OF FLUIDS AND TAKE TYLENOL FOR FEVERS.

Scribe: Nice bedside manner. You should consider doing ads for Tylenol. It would be a major coup for Tylenol to have God shill their product.

God: I’M NOT SHILLING, I’M JUST SUGGESTING A REMEDY FOR ANDY’S COLD.

Scribe: Remedy? You’re God. Can’t you just waive your mighty hand and dry Andy’s snot-filled sinuses right up?

God: I COULD BUT I WON’T.

Scribe: Don’t strike me with lightening for asking this, but why don’t you? You could rid the whole world of disease.

God: COLDS AND VIRUSES, LIKE OTHER ILLNESSES, WERE NOT PART OF THE MASTER PLAN.

Scribe: Again with the master plan—

God: DO YOU WANT TO HEAR IT OR NOT?

Scribe: Yes, sorry.

God: LIKE OTHER THINGS, THEY ARE A BY-PRODUCT OF PUTTING LOTS OF ORGANISMS TOGETHER IN ONE PLACE. SOME ARE ALSO THE BY-PRODUCTS OF CERTAIN BEHAVIORS.

Scribe: Behaviors?

God: PEOPLE WHO SMOKE ARE MORE LIKELY TO GET LUNG CANCER. PEOPLE WHO WORK IN RADIATION PLANTS ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE EXPOSED. PEOPLE WHO DON’T WASH THEIR HANDS BEFORE EACH MEAL ARE MORE LIKELY TO CATCH ILLNESSES PASSED ALONG FROM OTHERS. SHALL I GO ON?

Scribe: I get it.

God: BUT MANY ORGANISMS HAVE LEARNED TO ADAPT AND SURVIVE.

Scribe: Sure, as long as you’ve got some Sudafed.

God: GO BACK 200 YEARS AND LOOK AT LIFE EXPECTANCIES. THEY WERE HALF OF WHAT THEY ARE TODAY. GO BACK 200 YEARS MORE AND THEY ARE ONE THIRD OF WHAT THEY ARE TODAY. HOW IS THAT HAPPENING?

Scribe: We’re adapting and surviving.

God: EXACTLY! PEOPLE GET SMARTER AND SMARTER ABOUT ILLNESS AND THEY ADAPT. IF WE JUMP FORWARD 200 YEARS INTO THE FUTURE, I BET PEOPLE WILL LIVE AT LEAST 50% LONGER THAN THEY DO TODAY.

Scribe: So you don’t help us because we can help ourselves?

God: YES. OVER TIME PEOPLE INVESTIGATED WHAT CAUSED ILLNESS AND DEVELOPED MEDICINE AND BETTER HYGIENE TO COMBAT THOSE THINGS. PEOPLE GOT SICK FROM BACTERIA IN THE FOOD THEY WERE EATING SO REFRIDGERATION WAS CREATED. THEY ALSO LEARNED THAT BY COOKING FOOD, THEY COULD KILL MUCH OF THE BACTERIA IN IT.

Scribe: So we’re not getting rid of colds and viruses any time soon?

God: IT’S UP TO YOU.

Scribe: Could you at least help us make some better tasting cough medicine? That stuff always tastes--

God: “GOD AWFUL”?

Scribe: I wasn’t going to say that

God: YOU THOUGHT IT.

Scribe: Sorry.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Chantel said...

I have a question? Why do I have to forgive people who do me wrong people like father's

9/22/2007 11:48 PM  

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